Archit Taneja: A Treatise on Gulab Jamun Pancakes

Archit Taneja is the author of The Case of the Candy Bandits, the first book in the Superlative Supersleuths series.

Gulab Jamun Pancakes are commonplace today. But a person from few centuries ago would have considered this as hearsay, or even laughed at it as it resembles an ancient tool in humor called ‘bad joke’. The following text describes the history of this magnificent dessert, and brings to light recent evidence which finally explains how it came to be.

Gulab Jamun Pancake, advertised more popularly as ‘Sweet Milk-Starch Forever Delight’, is a disc-shaped, sweet-tasting food, which is the second highest manufactured food product in the world, next to water insoluble lemonade*. It is primarily consumed as a dessert for leisure, and getting over the bad taste of water insoluble lemonade in picnics and birthday parties. Gulab Jamun Pancakes today literally sell like hotcakes**.

Until now, due to the lack of scriptures surviving from that era***, we could only assume how Gulab Jamun Pancakes were discovered. The front-running theory was that a scientist accidentally left milk and cookies inside a particle accelerator, the molecular bonds within the milk and cookies were reordered to form a strange goo which, according to the forgetful scientist, smelled kinda nice.

That day was, ironically, ‘Bake a Cake at Work’ day. Our clumsy scientist used the goo as batter, and to his surprise, won the competition, and the hearts of judges. The accelerator laboratory got massive fundings, but now to discover a simpler recipe for the tasty batter, rather than looking for atomic particles which served no purpose. Once the recipe was perfected and a cheap manufacturing process formulated, every nation in the world, added to their constitutions, the right to sweet baked milk-starch. It became a staple part of human diet. Things tasted better after the discovery, there was peace, and the world is how it is now, very sweet.

This theory, of course, has been completely debunked, now that we have concrete evidence about the true origins of Gulab Jamun Pancake.

In a recent excavation, archaeologists found an old piece of document titled ‘Superlative Supersleuths Case Files’, dated sometime in early 21st century. Language experts determined that it was written by a couple of kids, and was a part of some sort of fun activity they created to kill time. One of the pages turned out to have the first ever reference to “Gulab Jamun Pancake”. As shown below, it described a method to create it from an edible spherical object called ‘Gulab Jamun’.


This vital piece of information, along with previous research, establishes that Gulab Jamun Pancake is actually a culmination of 2 different desserts. The words ‘Gulab Jamun’ and ‘Pancake’ seem to come from 2 different ancient languages. It’s highly possible that these 2 desserts were popular in their respective regions. Unifying of these popular desserts would have resulted in a massive cultural exchange. This could be the cause of the surprisingly large migration patterns seen in Cows(from Asia to the Europe and Americas), and Maple Syrup(moving the other way round) in the end of the 21st century.

As we now all know, the massive cultural exchange during that period eventually resulted in tolerance amongst humans, finally bringing world peace.

We will never know who these little kids were, and whether their ‘Case Files’ served any real purpose apart from childish play, but their document has helped us find gaps in our history, and they tell us how our favourite dessert may have helped brought peace and happiness to earth. To honour them, we have decided to name a planet on their favourite profession. We shall call it ‘Planet Supersleuth'(there aren’t many planets left to discover, so we actually name planets on super-important things these days, unlike in the past where we named it after celebrities and useless stuff).

* Most of earth’s surface is under water now. Humans need their beverages to be water insoluble, otherwise it results in water pollution.

** Gulab Jamun Pancakes are now available at our corner teleport-friendly shopping stores. There is a huge variety, including the latest buttery-but-fat-free flavours which are ready to bake in our magnetron ovens.

*** This was because of the ‘Great Information Wipeout’ that happened sometime in early 22nd century. A strong electromagnetic pulse (the result of an argument over which kitten GIF is cuter) wiped out every electronic device on the planet, and along with that, all history. We humans realized that mistake, and now carve our history on more permanent things, like stone, and wood pulp.


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